Tag Archives: Clonazepam

My Last Clonazepam

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Well, I “slept” without the Clonazepam last night. It wasn’t good sleep, by any means, as I have no idea how many times I woke up and waited to go back to sleep for a bit – but I made it through.

Of course, because of the long half-life of this benzo, I still have some of that last .25mg pill from Thursday night in my system. It will take the rest of the weekend before I dare try going back to my old meds – Methacarbamol and Neurontin. I have called for a Neuro appointment, but no telling how long it will be before I can actually see him.

Maybe this couple of months off my usual meds will make them work better for me again. I had been gradually increasing the doses to the maximum, because they were no longer helping with the muscle spasms and pain. And the high doses were making the brain fog worse. That’s why I had asked for a med change, and how I came to be back trying Clonazepam.

I decided to look back through all my blog posts for every mention of Clonazepam, as I had been on it once before, back near the beginning of this saga. At that time I was on Parkinson’s meds, and the extreme muscle weakness I experienced was attributed to the combination of meds. Now I know that’s probably not the case. The wet noodle muscle weakness I described back then is exactly how I’m feeling now.

Asking for Help Doesn’t Come Easy

DH has done his best to take up the slack here at home, helping with things I would normally do quite easily. I had gotten very frustrated with him, because he wasn’t helping. But he’s not a mind reader, and I hadn’t actually asked him for help. So we had a “come to meetin’ talk” the other night. Now the air has been cleared, and I’m getting more help. I still have to remind him, as he had gotten in the habit of letting me do a lot of stuff he once would have done automatically. His paralyzed leg and slow recovery from his heart attack changed both our roles considerably. But for now, I’m more in need of help than he is. And I’m getting it, sometimes after asking, sometimes without asking.

I did ask DH to bring the walker back upstairs, but I’m resisting using it, just as I did years ago. My DD fussed at me yesterday when she saw how slow and shuffling my gait has gotten, saying I needed to get over my pride and go back to using it. I know she’s right, but it’s a hard change to make. It feels like defeat. And in my mind it’s so much more VISIBLE than my gait – it makes me conspicuous, and that’s something I am NOT comfortable with.

This whole process of slowly going off one set of meds, then slowly going on another med, slowly increasing the dosage, then slowly cutting the dosage back to nothing has taken a couple of months. It’s the only safe way to transition from such powerful chemicals, and it’s the only way to find out if something different will help any more than what I was already on.

So I continue being a clinical trial of one, basically using myself as a guinea pig, praying each time that something will work to improve my quality of life.

Clonazepam Is NOT for Me

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Titrating Off Clonazepam

Last time I wrote I was still slowly ramping up the Clonazepam dosage, hoping to get some pain relief and help with my hyper emotions. Well, it did calm down the startle reflex and extreme frustration and irritability I was experiencing, but it did NOT help with the muscle spasms. In fact it made my muscles so weak that I’ve been doing a lot of shuffling of late, either because I could not lift my feet, or due to the fear I would fall again, if I did pick up my foot in mid spasm.

So now I am working on titrating back off of the Clonazepam. Even when I was up to three .5mg  pills a day, I did not get any pain relief, so it just wasn’t worth it.

I’m down to .5mg at night, but not taking any during the day. Yesterday was horrible, with legs so weak and painful it was all I could do to get up from the chair, but today is better.

I don’t plan on going back on the Methocarbamol and Neurontin until I’ve given plenty of time for the Clonazepam to be out of my system. They didn’t help much, and made the brain fog worse, but it looks like they are still the best meds I have available. The half life of this benzo compound is like 60 hours, so it takes a looooong time to rid the system of it completely. That long half life is great for smoothing out anxiety issues, not so great when it makes the muscle weakness worse.

Another Diagnosis Anniversary

Another birthday has come and gone, making this my 10th year with some kind of movement disorder diagnosis, not counting all those years when doctors dismissed me as just a whiny hypochondriac female LOL. Initially it was thought to be Parkinson’s, but was eventually conclusively diagnosed as Mitochondrial Myopathy.

I’m basically my own doctor at this point. No new research findings in the years I’ve known what was wrong, so it’s left to me to try various nutrition programs and what I think might be helpful in the way of meds – with my Neuro’s approval, of course.

At my last appointment, my Neurologist broached the subject of me eventually being fitted with some kind of AFO braces to support my legs better, as my age is beginning to work against me. Exercise intolerance is one of the hallmarks of this disease, so I have to strike a balance between not moving enough (trying to keep from hurting) and moving too much (which damages muscle cells and does more harm than good).

So I thank God for the better day I’m having today, and continue to do what I can to improve my quality of life.

Praising God, from whom all blessing flow!!!

Still a lot of Pain

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So far I can’t say the low dose Clonazepam, plus Methocarbamol has made a dent in the pain I’m having from constant muscle spasms. I spend most evenings wrapped up in a hot pad, moving it from place to place, trying to calm my muscles. I can manage to stay busy enough during the day to ignore it up to a point, but once I get still, I realize just how much “inside” muscle movement goes on constantly. No wonder I’m so tired by night time – I’ve literally been “moving” every minute of the day.

Being still at church makes me more aware of all the spasms, too. Plus, no matter how much I bundle up there, I’m always cold. And cold is something I don’t handle well at all. I wear thermal undies year round for church – AC and drafty heat both cause issues.

Care Giving Ended

Our short stent as Nursing Home Sponsors didn’t last but a few days – he wouldn’t stay, no matter how much better off he would have been if he had. I’ve called him a couple of times to check on him, but can’t stop worrying about him. That whole situation took quite a toll on my emotions – far more than the tiny Clonazepam pill could handle. I know it’s just a matter of time before he ends up back in the hospital. Learning from past experiences with our parents and daughter, I have his “hospital bag” all ready to go. LOL We’ve done all we can for him at this point, except for prayer – and God gets a lot of that every day, searching for insight on the right way to deal with him.

Need to Vent

I wasn’t supposed to see my Neuro again for 6 months, but at this point I will probably give in and call for an earlier appointment. It’s just hard to accept that there’s nothing they can do to help me feel better – no matter how many times I remind myself there is no treatment or cure for Mitochondrial Myopathy.

There are so many people in the world living with horrible medical and emotional situations, I feel ashamed of myself for whining. But it’s just one of those kinds of days, and I need to vent. I originally started this blog because I couldn’t find anyone talking about what it was really like living with a movement disorder. Oh, there’s plenty of medical information out there, but what it’s like to LIVE this way? Not so much about quality of life. So if I gloss over the bad days, I’m defeating the whole purpose of writing.

I thank you for your time to follow my blog and covet your prayers, both for us and for this cantankerous old man we’re trying to help.

Praise God for all His Blessings!!

Emotions and Muscle Spasms Stronger

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I’ve been having problems with acute emotional reactions for several months now – sometimes extremely nervous and very easily startled. Loud noises are especially uncomfortable – almost like I have super hearing. I had a lot of emotional lability (more recently called Pseudobulbar affect) years ago, when I was wrongly diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

For the last few years I’ve been living off of Methocarbamol muscle relaxers and Neurontin for nerve pain, and taking a large number of supplements in an effort to keep my nutrition level as high as possible.  But it was taking higher and higher doses of muscle relaxers to get any relief, and the shoulder jerking had even come back. So I asked my Neurologist to try something different.

Since I was experiencing heightened emotional responses, as well as more and stronger muscle spasms, he put me on a low dose of Clonazepam – an anti-anxiety med that is also used off label to calm muscle spasms. I started on the lowest dose, but now I’ve bumped it up a bit. It does seem to be taking the edge off the startle reflex and inappropriate nervous reactions, but the muscle spasms continued to worsen.

Trying Clonazepam

Several weeks ago my calf muscle cramped hard just as I put weight on that foot, and down I went, falling flat on my face. I was very lucky to only have a few bruises. The leg continued to jerk fiercely for several days, so I had to be extremely careful to not take a step without holding onto something. I called the Neuro’s nurse, and he added the Methocarbamol back with the Clonazepam.

I’m still spasming more than I was for a while, so I spend most evenings on the hot pad trying to relax the muscles.

I’m extremely thankful that I had already asked for more help from my Neurologist and there had been time to bump the Clonazepam dosage up a bit before a new turmoil hit our lives.

Care Giving Again

We are now back in the “care giving business”, trying to help a friend deal with a serious hospital stay and accept a Rehab Nursing Home situation. He’s not an easy person to get along with. He’s antagonized so many people over the years that he’s burned his bridges, except for a few families still willing to help him. It’s a shame, but he’s brought it on himself, with poor health management and lifestyle decisions and frequent angry outbursts over many years.

If it weren’t for the Clonazepam I don’t think I would be able to survive the emotional upheaval he seems to keep stirred up.

So for now at least my “new normal” consists of dealing with a cranky old man who is too sick to live independently. As his Nursing Home “Sponsor” there’s lots of paper work and responsibilities to deal with there, and of course Hubby and I will be visiting him once or twice a week.

The rest of the week I’m trying very hard to relax and rest as much as I can. I’m very thankful that my dear Hubby is so supportive, picking up the slack around the house when I don’t feel like doing much. We make a good team.

God finds good use for all our life experiences, so being care givers for our Alzheimer’s parents,  parenthood, plus teaching school for 29 years have prepared us about as well as anyone can be ready to deal with a curmudgeon in failing health LOL.

We covet your prayers both for him, and for us!

Today is My Last Day on the High Powered Ulcer Antibiotics

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I have been counting the days until this Prevpac was finished, because the strong antibiotics have sapped my energy something terrible. My tummy is still tender and I get very uncomfortable after anything, even water, is swallowed. So I don’t think the ulceration in my lower stomach is healed yet. I have felt a little better since I started eating a little something with each medicine dose, and I spread my meds back out over the day the way they used to be. I’m hoping that will keep my stomach from getting irritated and inflamed so badly again.

I am blaming this on the stress that the Clonazepam put me under, plus I have a long standing problem with GERD and have had ulcers before. I have not felt like exercising for a long time now, and I know that I need to, whether I feel like it or not. But the thought of moving is just so overwhelming. There are days when everything seems like such an effort. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes the thought of even getting up to go get a drink of water seems to be too much.

I’m not really depressed, the way I was with the Clonazepam, but just totally wiped out physically, which leaves me low on brain power, too.

So I am celebrating that this is my last day of this stuff and hoping that I see some improvement in my digestion this next week. If I don’t I’ll have to call the Gastro’s nurse, and I suspect he will put me back on another two weeks of this stuff. That’s what happened the last time I had an ulcer.

As for the jerking and tics, I am doing just fine. I have them more as the day goes on, but nothing at all like they used to be. I still startle in an odd way over the least little thing. My body seems to paralyze for a moment, my eyelids flutter, and everything goes blank for a second or two. Then I come out of it and usually realize that whatever startled me was trivial.

I have been able to use the relaxation techniques I learned a long time ago when I was being treated for Functional Dysphonia. I am using the low register of my voice, instead of allowing it to be the high pitched “female” voice. I have sung alto since elementary school, so that is a good indication that my speaking voice should probably be lower than what I normally use. Making a conscious effort to breath at the beginning of make a sound and letting it come from down deep has taken a lot of the strain off of my vocal chords, so I am not choking and gagging with a horrible tickle all the time any more. This was obviously stress induced, and that means I can control it to a great extent.

So once again I choose to look for the positive improvements I have made and hope and pray for continued good progress.

Now on Antibiotics for Stomach Inflamation

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We received the answering machine message Friday that the Endoscopy biopsies were all good, but did not get a chance to talk to the nurse about what my Gastro had found. So I called first thing this morning, and he is putting me on the pre-packaged set of antibiotics and acid reducer pills normally used with ulcers.

She did say my stomach lining is very inflamed, but she never actually used the word “ulcer”, so I’m assuming it falls more under the term Gastritis. I will have to do the research again on Primidone, because my Neuro said he had never heard of that as a possible side effect.

I do know that Primidone headed me in the direction of constipation as soon as I started taking it, so I was blaming the tummy problems on it. But as bad a reaction as I had to the Clonazepam, it could be that it was that medicine that inflamed the tummy, and I just felt too miserable to realize my tummy was getting worse.

Regardless of where the blame should be, I now have a treatment plan to deal with it. I also remembered to ask her if it was OK for me to continue to drink the decaf versions of all the High Anti-Oxidant teas that I get each day. Hubby is poking a cup at me all day long! LOL!!! But it’s part of our Super Nutrition routine that I am glad to continue. Some days I get as many as a dozen cups of various herbal teas. As you might imagine, I get a lot of exercise just going back and forth to and from the bathroom!

On Days and Off Days

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I am definitely less depressed since gradually cutting the dose and frequency of the Clonazepam, but I still have on days and off days. Thursday I went until sometime after 5:00PM without any facial tics at all, and then spent the whole evening jerking like crazy. When I’m like that, my face contorts, my left shoulder jerks forward, and my foot dances a jig uncontrollably. I was on a half pill only at night then. Friday I jerked and twitched all day long, also on the half pill dose. I also had a huge startle reflex while we were out on our Date Day, something I haven’t done to that extent in some time. Now today, Saturday, my mouth is all quiet and well behaved so far. I did not take even the half pill of the Clonazepam last night.

I had called twice to UAB, trying to get them to go on and send in the prescription for an alternative to the Clonazepam, because our drugstore would be closed from Friday evening until Tuesday. They did not get it called in, nor did I get a callback from a member of Dr. Watt’s team. The receptionist did tell me on my second call that Dr. D was sick. He is the member of the team who apparently is the one I will be seeing the most. So, I have to assume that is why nothing was taken care of.

I have found that I can at least mask what my mouth is doing in public by chewing sugar free gum. I’ve always been a gum smacker, so I am trying to get out of that habit, and reach a point were I can slowly chew and control the horrible twisting, twitching, and jerks my mouth does so much.

The right foot continues to do its own little dance, which makes me feel unstable as I stand still or walk. Going up and down steps is harder when there is no way of knowing what my foot is going to do at the moment. So I am still using the cane everywhere except here in the house and at church. The few steps I have to deal with at church are entrances, and hubby is there with me going in and out, so I can skip the cane and feel a little more inconspicuous.

I should have taken the last dose of the Clonazepam last night, but I thought it would be wiser to see how I would be today, rather than being even more unpredictable than usual for church tomorrow morning. Since I’ve been OK today, it looks like the decreasing dosing was done slowly enough to not leave any withdrawal symptoms. But there is now way of knowing how I will be in the next minute, let alone tomorrow for church.

I continue to stay busy searching and posting on our Lost Toy blog, and have been able to help quite a few families, thanks to all the folks who read the requests for help and search for them, too. If you have never been to that blog, you ought to go read some of the stories and try to help them. It’s a very satisfying feeling to help them. And I continue to add to our online Plush Toy catalog, too, so I stay very busy.

Oh, and I mustn’t forget to mention that it looks like our Centipede grass is actually beginning to come up in the composted side yard. I worked for a little while this morning in between the shrubs and the driveway, digging that section up and trying to get as many of the weeds out of that section as I can. We can plant Centipede here until July, so I should have it ready long before then.

Take each moment as it comes, Rosemary – a lesson I am being taught daily.

Weaning Off Clonazepam = Thinking More Positively

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I’m down to a half tablet at night now, starting today. I will stay on that for three days, and then I will be through with it. I sense the depression passing somewhat, but certainly not all of it. I was depressed before they put me on it, just not as much.

I’ve been trying to work off as much of my tension and fears in the yard the last few days. I’ve spread the rich composted “dirt” and planted Centipede seed there. I don’t know if any of it will grow, but the weeds are sure enjoying the rich dirt. I can’t very well pull the weeds, as the grass is still germinating. The idea is to let the growing grass choke out the weeds on its own. Since that section of the yard is pretty much finished, I’ve moved to a small section of grass at the front of the house. I’m wetting it down at night and then working on digging all the grass weeds out of it the next day. The hoeing is very therapeutic. It’s kind of like a punching bag for me.

My biggest problem right now is that I can’t get out in the yard without setting off a poison ivy outbreak, no matter how hard I try to stay away from it and bathe as soon as I come in. I’ve been super itchy now for some time, because I don’t want to take any antihistamines on top of the Clonazepam.

I’ve been trying to read about Tardive Dyskinesia, which certainly seems to fit what I look like these days. I can’t even spell it right half the time, but Google very nicely suggests how to spell it for me. If that’s it, then I can add TD to my list of acronyms.

My mouth is definitely jerking and twisting more as the Clonazepam dosage is reduced in my system, but they have told me that there are other prescriptions they will try to reduce the tics and jerks, once I’m off this med. And I’ve started chewing sugarless gum a lot, too, as that keeps my mouth busy. I chewed so long last night I made my jaw hurt, but at least I didn’t have my mouth pulling to the side and twisting all around. I will definitely be using this trick in public, as I am extremely self conscious about the way my face looks now.

Our wonderful pharmacist has printed out all the prescriptions I have been on since he opened his store some years ago. I haven’t yet tried to track down where my records would be stored from the previous drugstore, but he suggested I try the CVS in a nearby town. We went without a drugstore at all for quite awhile there, as the previous pharmacist gave up his store to work for CVS. I haven’t called yet, because it is likely a waste of time. But I will call. I’ll just have to be in the mood to do it.

I’ve tried researching every medicine that I can remember ever being on, and a few are possible causes. But there’s nothing to be done, other than try to deal with the symptoms. Tardive means it’s a delayed reaction, so there is no med to “stop taking” to make the movements go away. Our family has always joked that an aspirin will put me to sleep, so I suppose it’s not surprising that I would be one who had a delayed side effect to some medicine I’ve taken in the past.

I haven’t been going to the Parkinson’s forum. I just don’t know what to say there any more. I guess I would still qualify for membership, since I’m dealing with a Movement Disorder of some kind, but I just don’t feel like I fit right now.

Hubby has been a big help, and isn’t mad at me any more about my reaction to the doctor’s news. He’s such a sweetie, and I know all this has been really hard on his emotions, too. I don’t know what I would do without him.

I ran across a copy of Michael J. Fox’s book, Lucky Man, at a yard sale not long ago, and I finished reading it last night. There were several things in it that made me feel better about myself. He talked about all the things he did to make his early tremors stop – how he tricked his brain – so he could hide it from the television and movie audience. That process of being able to temporarily stop a tremor with little mind and body tricks is one reason I thought I was suffering from a psychosomatic illness. I did not realize that at least some people with PD can consciously stop tremors momentarily. I have feared from the very beginning that being able to stop them for a brief while meant mine were not “real.”

So, as it stands now, I don’t have Peripheral Neuropathy, and there’s no way of knowing if I ever did or not. I’m inclined to think I did, but all the super nutritious foods we have been eating for the last two years, plus the Turmeric and all the vitamins and minerals I take, just healed the nerve pathways.

Parkinson’s is likely not the problem, although I have not ruled it out completely, as the doctor’s always hedge what they say about that. I do have a Movement Disorder of some kind, and I am getting past the point of blaming it on myself. That’s a good thing!!

Reading Fox’s book helped me, so I hope that reading this blog can help someone, too.

Back to Square One Plus

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OK, first of all the plus side of the meeting we had with Dr. Watt’s team this week. My fancy MRI and EEG did not show anything particularly abnormal, and certainly nothing that I need to be worried about. The ultra strong MRI did show signs of several Transient Ischemic Attacks, or TIA, what many people call little strokes. The doctor said they were normal “for my age.” (I hate to think I’ve reached the age where something wrong is normal, but I guess I have, huh.)

My reaction again is not what anyone would have expected. I guess I should have been jumping up and down with joy that I did not have a brain tumor, but all I could do was cry. The whole time he’s telling me that they didn’t find anything that explained my symptoms, I was jerking and wreathing all over the place. I asked him point blank if this could be that I’m just crazy, but he assured me that there really is something physical going on, they just don’t know yet what it is. If I understood him correctly, he says in time my symptoms will become more obvious, so they can make the diagnosis.

The Clonazepam had already made me very depressed, so I have been way low since Thursday. They are weaning me off the Clonazepam, since it did not help, and it was making me feel so depressed. I think they plan on calling in a prescription and trying something else, once I have finished weaning off the Clonazepam.

Hubby was really angry with me Thursday night. We finally talked about it yesterday, although I still begin to cry when I do discuss it or even think about it. He was so mad, because he said I acted like I was disappointed that I DID NOT have a brain tumor or some horrible disease. I really can’t explain it, but to have my body jerking and wreathing and nobody being able to tell me why is extremely upsetting. I know I should just put my faith in God, that this will either improve with time, get worse and provide enough information to make a diagnosis, or stay just the way it is now. If this is the way I will be for the rest of my life, then I am going to have to deal with it somehow. But for now, all I want to do is cry.

The only diagnosis they will even name as a possibility is Tardive Dyskinesia, which just means they think this was caused by some medicine I have taken some time in the past. Trouble is, whatever it was is obviously not in my system now.

They have told me for sure that I do not have Peripheral Neuropathy. I asked him if that meant the original diagnosis was wrong, or if it had been cured. He said it was possible that it was cured, but seemed to be leaning more toward the idea that the original diagnosis was incorrect. I did not get the nerve up to ask him if Parkinson’s was ruled out. That seemed kind of pointless right now, since Parkinson’s is so hard to diagnose anyway.

So, I’m left feeling miserable, with no coping strategies working for me at all. I’m crying even as I write this. I cried in church today. I cried in the car yesterday. That’s basically all I’m doing – just crying. It’s a grief that I can’t name, but it’s there.