Tag Archives: emotional lability

Emotions and Muscle Spasms Stronger

Day by Day with a Movement Disorder Posted on by 2

I’ve been having problems with acute emotional reactions for several months now – sometimes extremely nervous and very easily startled. Loud noises are especially uncomfortable – almost like I have super hearing. I had a lot of emotional lability (more recently called Pseudobulbar affect) years ago, when I was wrongly diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

For the last few years I’ve been living off of Methocarbamol muscle relaxers and Neurontin for nerve pain, and taking a large number of supplements in an effort to keep my nutrition level as high as possible.  But it was taking higher and higher doses of muscle relaxers to get any relief, and the shoulder jerking had even come back. So I asked my Neurologist to try something different.

Since I was experiencing heightened emotional responses, as well as more and stronger muscle spasms, he put me on a low dose of Clonazepam – an anti-anxiety med that is also used off label to calm muscle spasms. I started on the lowest dose, but now I’ve bumped it up a bit. It does seem to be taking the edge off the startle reflex and inappropriate nervous reactions, but the muscle spasms continued to worsen.

Trying Clonazepam

Several weeks ago my calf muscle cramped hard just as I put weight on that foot, and down I went, falling flat on my face. I was very lucky to only have a few bruises. The leg continued to jerk fiercely for several days, so I had to be extremely careful to not take a step without holding onto something. I called the Neuro’s nurse, and he added the Methocarbamol back with the Clonazepam.

I’m still spasming more than I was for a while, so I spend most evenings on the hot pad trying to relax the muscles.

I’m extremely thankful that I had already asked for more help from my Neurologist and there had been time to bump the Clonazepam dosage up a bit before a new turmoil hit our lives.

Care Giving Again

We are now back in the “care giving business”, trying to help a friend deal with a serious hospital stay and accept a Rehab Nursing Home situation. He’s not an easy person to get along with. He’s antagonized so many people over the years that he’s burned his bridges, except for a few families still willing to help him. It’s a shame, but he’s brought it on himself, with poor health management and lifestyle decisions and frequent angry outbursts over many years.

If it weren’t for the Clonazepam I don’t think I would be able to survive the emotional upheaval he seems to keep stirred up.

So for now at least my “new normal” consists of dealing with a cranky old man who is too sick to live independently. As his Nursing Home “Sponsor” there’s lots of paper work and responsibilities to deal with there, and of course Hubby and I will be visiting him once or twice a week.

The rest of the week I’m trying very hard to relax and rest as much as I can. I’m very thankful that my dear Hubby is so supportive, picking up the slack around the house when I don’t feel like doing much. We make a good team.

God finds good use for all our life experiences, so being care givers for our Alzheimer’s parents,  parenthood, plus teaching school for 29 years have prepared us about as well as anyone can be ready to deal with a curmudgeon in failing health LOL.

We covet your prayers both for him, and for us!

Added a Half Pill of Triavil this morning

Day by Day with a Movement Disorder Posted on by 2

I added a half pill of the Triavil this morning, so now I am on a whopping 15mg a day!! I can tell I have it in me. You should see the wonkyjawed labels I stuck on packages this morning to be mailed out. Not very professional looking, but nothing I can do about it. It’s odd … I thought I was putting them on straight, but as soon as it was stuck down I could see just how crooked it was. So, I tried to be more careful with the next one … and did the same thing again … THREE TIMES!!! Don’t let anyone tell you that meds don’t mess with your body in unexpected ways. LOL!!!

Anyhow, I’ll stay at this dose level until I can tell my body has adjusted to it and then try another half pill later on in the day. I am supposed to take it 3 times a day, but I’m not real sure if that’s with meals or spread out over the whole day. Since this is to help digestion I will have to call the Gastro’s nurse to find out. But I won’t bother her today. I’m sure Monday mornings are hectic, and this can wait. I’m in no hurry to work up to the full dose. I’d rather put up with a few more days of tummy pain and discomfort than be totally out of it for days, while my body adjusts to it.

I was asked to pray for our sick in Sunday School yesterday, and I lost it. I couldn’t continue, and the teacher had to step in and voice the prayer. There was a time when I could say a public prayer like that almost at an automatic level. It’s not that I didn’t mean it to be voiced to God, but it was also meant for human ears and that was an important concern in choice of words. Now my faith and connection to HIM have deepened so much through all that’s been going on the last few years that I can no longer talk to God with half my mind on the people who might be in the room with me. It’s extremely personal now, and it’s bringing tears to even write about it.

My level of gratefulness to Him for my muscle improvement is so over the top that I cannot pray any other way now. And I suppose part of it is the Emotional Lability that seems to go part and parcel with having a Movement Disorder. But the end result is that I feel close to God in a way that I never have before, and that’s a very good outcome of being sick.

Looks Like PRIMIDONE is THE Medicine for ME

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Some medicines have what is called a Honeymoon Period, where they work really well for a short period of time, and then stop helping. I have had some like that in the past, probably including the Sinemet that was originally given as a Challenge – a way of semi diagnosing Parkinson’s. I did get much better way back then, but had such nausea issues with it that my Neuro did not keep me on it. I had good effect from the Requip that he changed me to, but then had to add Zelepar to that. So maybe none of them were anything for me but Honeymoon Drugs.

So, even though I have been so elated with the wonderful response I had to the Primidone, there was always a tiny little corner of my brain that wouldn’t give up the Honeymoon idea completely. I have been on it now for over a month, with only a half pill added to the original dosage, so I think I can consider this one to be a KEEPER.

Not that I am 100% back to “normal”. But then, since I am 65 now I’m not sure I know what normal is any more, anyway. LOL!! What I do know is that I enjoy talking to people again, I laugh a lot, I don’t jerk nearly as badly even on my bad days, and I feel truly blessed by God with this wonderful miracle. Hey, that’s a “normal” I can LIVE with!!

We don’t have cable or satellite, so, as the resident geek, it’s been up to me to try to figure out how to set up the HD Converter boxes we bought using the Government Coupons. We want to be able to continue to tape one show on our VCR while we watch something else, and that requires some very complicated hookups. There is so much about the words and terms they use in explaining all this that I am totally unfamiliar with. So, our boxes arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I have spent almost every waking minute trying one hookup, testing it, undoing it, trying another, repeating some over and over as I gradually understood the meanings of the directions and went back to correct mistakes I had made.

PHEW!! I was finally satisfied Friday evening that I knew how to do it, but I needed one piece of equipment that we did not already have. So, armed with my diagrams and the catalog numbers from the internet, we went to RadioShack yesterday. The young man took a look at the diagram and let out an involuntary “UGH!”. I agree totally.

Well, to make a long story short, he thought I would get better results with a different device than I had come in to buy, so I took his advice. I spent all yesterday evening, plus got up bright and early this morning, trying to make it all work with this new device, and finally decided he was wrong.

Hubby always goes out on his own on Saturdays, so he took it all back and exchanged it for the switch that I had originally decided would fix it all. I’m all ready for it when he gets home, and more than ready to quit spending all this time and energy on this stuff.

The stress it has put me under has been overwhelming, knowing that there is no one who knows enough about this stuff to be of any help. I’ve been angry and miserable, one after the other, over and over since Wednesday when I started on it. Hubby has left me ALONE!!! And I am glad that he has. He always thinks he can tease me out of a bad mood, but this time I think I would have bitten his head off if he had tried that with me. I never used to get angry like this. I was an only child and a “good little girl”. I never really learned how to argue or express anger until I was grown, as it was not “ladylike”.

Of course my mouth jerks and twitches came back when I was at my most upset points in all this, but they would be gone the next day. And even at that they weren’t as bad as they were before the Primidone. So I would say I have put it through a grueling test of its powers this week, and it passed the test quite well.

Now the boxes are set up, the TV and VCR work correctly with them as far as I can tell, and the Universal Remote is programmed for all the pieces. I am able to breathe again. But I did tell hubby to be sure he brought me some CHOCOLATE!!!

Weaning Off Clonazepam = Thinking More Positively

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I’m down to a half tablet at night now, starting today. I will stay on that for three days, and then I will be through with it. I sense the depression passing somewhat, but certainly not all of it. I was depressed before they put me on it, just not as much.

I’ve been trying to work off as much of my tension and fears in the yard the last few days. I’ve spread the rich composted “dirt” and planted Centipede seed there. I don’t know if any of it will grow, but the weeds are sure enjoying the rich dirt. I can’t very well pull the weeds, as the grass is still germinating. The idea is to let the growing grass choke out the weeds on its own. Since that section of the yard is pretty much finished, I’ve moved to a small section of grass at the front of the house. I’m wetting it down at night and then working on digging all the grass weeds out of it the next day. The hoeing is very therapeutic. It’s kind of like a punching bag for me.

My biggest problem right now is that I can’t get out in the yard without setting off a poison ivy outbreak, no matter how hard I try to stay away from it and bathe as soon as I come in. I’ve been super itchy now for some time, because I don’t want to take any antihistamines on top of the Clonazepam.

I’ve been trying to read about Tardive Dyskinesia, which certainly seems to fit what I look like these days. I can’t even spell it right half the time, but Google very nicely suggests how to spell it for me. If that’s it, then I can add TD to my list of acronyms.

My mouth is definitely jerking and twisting more as the Clonazepam dosage is reduced in my system, but they have told me that there are other prescriptions they will try to reduce the tics and jerks, once I’m off this med. And I’ve started chewing sugarless gum a lot, too, as that keeps my mouth busy. I chewed so long last night I made my jaw hurt, but at least I didn’t have my mouth pulling to the side and twisting all around. I will definitely be using this trick in public, as I am extremely self conscious about the way my face looks now.

Our wonderful pharmacist has printed out all the prescriptions I have been on since he opened his store some years ago. I haven’t yet tried to track down where my records would be stored from the previous drugstore, but he suggested I try the CVS in a nearby town. We went without a drugstore at all for quite awhile there, as the previous pharmacist gave up his store to work for CVS. I haven’t called yet, because it is likely a waste of time. But I will call. I’ll just have to be in the mood to do it.

I’ve tried researching every medicine that I can remember ever being on, and a few are possible causes. But there’s nothing to be done, other than try to deal with the symptoms. Tardive means it’s a delayed reaction, so there is no med to “stop taking” to make the movements go away. Our family has always joked that an aspirin will put me to sleep, so I suppose it’s not surprising that I would be one who had a delayed side effect to some medicine I’ve taken in the past.

I haven’t been going to the Parkinson’s forum. I just don’t know what to say there any more. I guess I would still qualify for membership, since I’m dealing with a Movement Disorder of some kind, but I just don’t feel like I fit right now.

Hubby has been a big help, and isn’t mad at me any more about my reaction to the doctor’s news. He’s such a sweetie, and I know all this has been really hard on his emotions, too. I don’t know what I would do without him.

I ran across a copy of Michael J. Fox’s book, Lucky Man, at a yard sale not long ago, and I finished reading it last night. There were several things in it that made me feel better about myself. He talked about all the things he did to make his early tremors stop – how he tricked his brain – so he could hide it from the television and movie audience. That process of being able to temporarily stop a tremor with little mind and body tricks is one reason I thought I was suffering from a psychosomatic illness. I did not realize that at least some people with PD can consciously stop tremors momentarily. I have feared from the very beginning that being able to stop them for a brief while meant mine were not “real.”

So, as it stands now, I don’t have Peripheral Neuropathy, and there’s no way of knowing if I ever did or not. I’m inclined to think I did, but all the super nutritious foods we have been eating for the last two years, plus the Turmeric and all the vitamins and minerals I take, just healed the nerve pathways.

Parkinson’s is likely not the problem, although I have not ruled it out completely, as the doctor’s always hedge what they say about that. I do have a Movement Disorder of some kind, and I am getting past the point of blaming it on myself. That’s a good thing!!

Reading Fox’s book helped me, so I hope that reading this blog can help someone, too.

Misery Loves Doesn’t Love Company

Day by Day with a Movement Disorder Posted on by 12

I am so counting the days until my appointment next week! The depression level I am feeling is so pervasive that I am not fit to be around right now. Hubby is doing what he can to leave me alone and not trigger another crying spell. Or worse, make me mad. We had an actual verbal fight last week, which is most unusual for us.

I knew when I worked in the basement while he was gone that he would be livid when he found out, but I did it anyway. I just needed to be “normal” for a little while so badly that I didn’t care that it would cause a fight. He won’t let me go down in the basement, because he is afraid I will fall. We do have a horrible mess down there, that needs cleaning out terribly, and I am much more impatient about it than he is.

I hate depending on someone else to get something done that I should be able to do myself. I hate being sick. I hate shaking. I hate being off balance. I hate being seen in public jerking all over the place. I hate using the cane and looking like each step is going to be my last. I hate looking old. I hate not being able to do any work in the yard long enough to accomplish anything.

But most of all I hate this horrible feeling that they are not going to find anything physically wrong with me, and that I am going to end up on some psychiatrist’s couch or on mind altering drugs. This Clonazepam is bad enough. I looked up the side effects, and depression and loss of balance are right there in black and white. I’m taking a med to stop some of the very things it will give me – doesn’t make much sense does it. I still have the strong mouth tics when I am the least bit upset, and my face is definitely beginning to contort, with right eyebrow high, left eyelid drooping over the eye, and mouth pulled to the left. It looks like I have had a stroke, and can’t control the left side of my face, but it’s actually quite the opposite, the muscles on the left pull it that way.

I did finally recuperate from the left leg weakness and pain left over from the EEG test, but my nerves have yet to settle back down from the super loud MRI last week. I’m crying at almost everything right now, and can’t stand noise at all. The loud TV commercials are bothering me so badly that hubby has started hitting the mute button when they come on. Last Sunday, for some strange reason, the young fellow who runs our sanctuary sound system had some of “his” kind of religious music piping in the auditorium before church. As far as I know that has never happened before. People were talking louder than usual to be heard over the extra noise. I sat there for a few minutes, and then told hubby we had to leave. I just couldn’t take it. So, we were some of the first folks at our favorite Chinese restaurant last Sunday. I went to church that night, and it was fine. But that morning was horrible.

I am not sleeping as well as I was, either. Some nights have been good, but there have been a few of the kind I used to have, where I am up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I am not using the TAP, as I just don’t think I can deal with it right now. Somehow I just have to make it through until next Wednesday.

I’ve completely rearranged one of the bedrooms we keep part of our plush lovies stock in, and I have worked some in the yard, trying to get the area ready to plant grass where I worked on the lasagna compost all winter long. I’m trying very hard to stay busy and focused on something besides me, but it ain’t workin’!!

Wow! That was quite a rant, even for me!! But it felt good to put it down on paper and acknowledge it. It’s real, and I’m not exaggerating. Hopefully, I will be able to look back on this post soon and be thankful it is all over. I always cling to hope, even in my darkest despairing times. God is good. AMEN!

Twitching Along ….

Day by Day with a Movement Disorder Posted on by 4

We went on our usual Date Day today and visited three Estate Sales. Two were complete duds, but the last one was fun. It was an old country house chock full of a lifetime of collecting all kinds of odds and ends. We both enjoyed ourselves there, and then we stopped by our usual Thrift Store haunts in that area and found enough plush lovies to more than make the day break even. It’s fun having a hobby that pays for itself, plus helps other people, too.

We had our second meeting yesterday with our new Financial Adviser, in the process of deciding how to best protect our future and be sure there is money in place to take care of our needs. Our daughters know that we do not want to go to a Nursing Home, but realistically we can’t assume they will be in a position to keep one or both of us at home, the way we did our parents. That’s way too much a burden to blithely assume someone else will tackle. That means considering Long Term Care Insurance and putting money aside to pay for in home care if at all possible. We’ve paid out enough over the last ten years to know what is involved, and it’s certainly not cheap.

He went over several different options with us, and I was having a really hard time following the differences, pros, cons, etc. So was hubby. We asked lots of questions, some several times, and he patiently went over each concern. We left with several brochures, still not sure of what we need to do. We’ll see him again next week, after he’s had time to pursue the options we were most interested in. There will be a Long Term Care expert at our next meeting, too.

We won’t be able to settle some arrangements until I have a diagnosis. After all, what new insurance company would insure me for anything when my own doctor can’t say what is wrong with me! So, for now I am stuck with the insurance I already have, and we can only do the research for more appropriate kinds.

Did I say stress makes my twitches and tremors worse? Yep, you guessed it. By the time we left I was grimacing and shaking like I was keeping time to some peppy music. Hubby even asked me if I was doing my hand on purpose, because it really did look like I was in tempo with the CD. But no, it was my body doing its own little dance duet. I “cured” the nerves the way I always do …CHOCOLATE!!! Hubby knows what to do, so we stopped and I gorged on brownies. Better than any tranquilizer I have ever used, as there is no spaced out feeling afterwards. 😉

Doing Without PD Meds Today

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I just have to answer this one for myself, before I drive myself crazy. I didn’t take my last PD med last night, and I haven’t had any this morning. It will take awhile for the meds to flush out of my system, but I need to know what I look like without them. It’s just like most of the meds you see advertised on TV. Take this pill to stop twitching, but oh, by the way, this pill can cause twitching!!! So, if I didn’t need them, they would give me the same symptoms as someone who did need them. Like I said, my brain is going around in circles over this, so I may not be making good sense right now.

I’m going to be in the house all day today, and I wanted to settle my mind on this before it was Christmas. It wouldn’t do me any good to try to wait until after the New Year to experiment, because I start physical therapy for my neck on Jan. 2, and I sure wouldn’t want to be playing around with my dosages then.

Of course I am still on all the other meds I take, for my digestive system, allergies, and bone density, plus the vitamins and herbs for general health and anti-oxidant benefits. Who knows, maybe that’s all I need to be on, anyway. I hope to find out with this little experiment.

We will be spending time with our older daughter and son-in-law here in town Christmas Eve, and then we’ll drive to our younger daughter’s home to spend with our grandchildren and her hubby. Then, a few days later, we’ll be driving back for our grandson’s birthday.

I don’t want this nagging doubt hanging over me. I want to enjoy this family time, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus, without obsessing over this, the way I have the last few days. So, it’s do without today, and maybe tomorrow, too, or wait until February or so. And I just emotionally can’t wait that long. Did I say that patience is not one of my virtues?

7+ Hours Sleep Again!

Day by Day with a Movement Disorder Posted on by 8

I was able to stay in the recliner for over 7 hours last night! I’m still getting up several times to go the bathroom, but at least now I’m able to get back to sleep. I figure I’ll try turning the screw to advance my lower jaw maybe one or two more nights, and that should be enough. I’m making the Sleep Study appointment today to see if it’s controlling the Sleep Apnea properly. If it’s not, I can always advance it some more while they monitor it, until I find the right spot.

I will get an appointment for the flu shot today, too.

I’m also going to make an appointment with a Dermatologist today. I don’t want to ignore the fact that Parkies have a higher rate of Melanoma than the general population. Particularly since I’ve inherited a tendency to have lots of moles, some quite large, from both of my parents.

I’ve never been to a Dermatologist before, but I’ve learned my lesson and intend to get one who uses the hospital I like. There is a lady Dermatologist associated with my preferred hospital, and I think I would be more comfortable having every square inch of me examined by her, rather than by a man.

My inability to control my emotions is still a very aggravating problem. I started looking for some important insurance paper work this morning, and couldn’t find it. I’ve kept up with that stack of papers for several years now, but when I started to make a phone call referring to it, it was nowhere to be found. After searching everywhere I might have filed it, then looking in places I should not have filed it, I fell apart. Blubbering like a baby and getting DH all upset trying to console me. This awareness of my mental abilities deteriorating right before my eyes is extremely disconcerting.

I finally did find the insurance papers I needed, stuffed in the file folder with the information about Pop’s monument that I had worked on the same day I had been working on the insurance. This is some paperwork left over from when DH’s Pop died, as we were the executor of his estate, too. Not long after he died my dear hubby had colon cancer surgery, so some of the less urgent parts of settling Pop’s estate just got pushed to the background. Now I’m trying to finish all of it up, and get my Daddy’s all finished, too.

So, all in all, it’s been a productive day, as I was able to get done what needed to be done toward cashing the insurance policy, and I’m going to call and make the appointments just as soon as the doctors’ offices get back from lunch.

Once this insurance policy is dealt with, the only things left to take care of are the monuments. Pop’s should have already been engraved, so when I talked to the cemetery people, they were extremely apologetic that it had not already been done. And I haven’t even started on getting Daddy’s information added to the headstone.

I’ll be glad to have all this paperwork finished! Daddy’s estate will get out of probate at the end of November, and I need to be through with everything by then, so I can quit stressing over it.

Trying a Different C-Pap Mask

Day by Day with a Movement Disorder Posted on by 4

I took the c-pap stuff back to the supplier yesterday, and they have changed me to a very soft nasal “plug” that doesn’t have nearly as much strapping all over my face as the nasal mask did. I slept 6 straight hours, without getting up at all. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I did that. It’s not perfect, as my nostrils were sore this morning, and I can still feel the thing, even hours after it has been out. I’ve always had this odd thing where I could “feel” a hat long after I had taken it off, and this canula is doing the same thing.

I have hope now that I will adjust. The frustration I was feeling with the other face mask was really wearing me out. It’s a good thing I don’t cuss! LOL

I’m calling the Gastroenterologist today, as I want the colonoscopy for my peace of mind. I’m still not satisfied with my elimination situation. We took our kittens to the vet this morning, and I got light headed and had to sit down quickly, because we were standing, waiting for the vet to come in our treatment room. I blame that on my tummy, as I felt better after I excused myself and used their facilities.

I’ve started going out in our yard and working just as soon as it’s daylight, as it’s just too hot later on in the morning. So, my exercise routine is back on track, with walking and Tai Chi every day, plus working for a little while in the yard. By the time I come in around 7:00AM I’m drenched in sweat.

I’m definitely going to have to get my Neurologist to prescribe something to stop this excessive crying I’m doing. I broke out in blubbering at the c-pap office, trying to tell the tech how frustrated I was trying to adjust to the mask. I have learned that this is called emotional lability (more recently called Pseudobulbar affect), and it is a PD side effect. He doesn’t want to change my meds until I get the cpap and elimination situations settled, and that makes sense.

So, some things seem to be getting better, and others aren’t.