OK, first of all the plus side of the meeting we had with Dr. Watt’s team this week. My fancy MRI and EEG did not show anything particularly abnormal, and certainly nothing that I need to be worried about. The ultra strong MRI did show signs of several Transient Ischemic Attacks, or TIA, what many people call little strokes. The doctor said they were normal “for my age.” (I hate to think I’ve reached the age where something wrong is normal, but I guess I have, huh.)

My reaction again is not what anyone would have expected. I guess I should have been jumping up and down with joy that I did not have a brain tumor, but all I could do was cry. The whole time he’s telling me that they didn’t find anything that explained my symptoms, I was jerking and wreathing all over the place. I asked him point blank if this could be that I’m just crazy, but he assured me that there really is something physical going on, they just don’t know yet what it is. If I understood him correctly, he says in time my symptoms will become more obvious, so they can make the diagnosis.

The Clonazepam had already made me very depressed, so I have been way low since Thursday. They are weaning me off the Clonazepam, since it did not help, and it was making me feel so depressed. I think they plan on calling in a prescription and trying something else, once I have finished weaning off the Clonazepam.

Hubby was really angry with me Thursday night. We finally talked about it yesterday, although I still begin to cry when I do discuss it or even think about it. He was so mad, because he said I acted like I was disappointed that I DID NOT have a brain tumor or some horrible disease. I really can’t explain it, but to have my body jerking and wreathing and nobody being able to tell me why is extremely upsetting. I know I should just put my faith in God, that this will either improve with time, get worse and provide enough information to make a diagnosis, or stay just the way it is now. If this is the way I will be for the rest of my life, then I am going to have to deal with it somehow. But for now, all I want to do is cry.

The only diagnosis they will even name as a possibility is Tardive Dyskinesia, which just means they think this was caused by some medicine I have taken some time in the past. Trouble is, whatever it was is obviously not in my system now.

They have told me for sure that I do not have Peripheral Neuropathy. I asked him if that meant the original diagnosis was wrong, or if it had been cured. He said it was possible that it was cured, but seemed to be leaning more toward the idea that the original diagnosis was incorrect. I did not get the nerve up to ask him if Parkinson’s was ruled out. That seemed kind of pointless right now, since Parkinson’s is so hard to diagnose anyway.

So, I’m left feeling miserable, with no coping strategies working for me at all. I’m crying even as I write this. I cried in church today. I cried in the car yesterday. That’s basically all I’m doing – just crying. It’s a grief that I can’t name, but it’s there.